31 July 2007

The Crushing Weight Of Rational, Realistic Thought Is Irresistable

Rather than fragility, I find myself at the moment, fortified. After repeated atempts in the past, both through desperation and lonliness to grab onto a woman very quickly and not let go, I think I am beginning to grasp the value and richness of cultivation.
That all sounds so very civilised and intelligent.
Not so.
Rather, I realize that this woman is amazing, but probably not unique. If she is the one, then I can be patient, forever if need be. If not, then my patience will be rewarded in other heretofore unforseen ways.
Life is filled with great possibility.

Two Headed Rooster

From The Muck

An excursion to the used book store today delivered the goods already and I've only watched 1 of the 4 movies I bought. What I thought was the gem of the pack was an old "women in prison" movie called Caged Heat, and starring Linda Blair. This is a major coup because these movies don't usually re-circulate in the VHS market outside of the internet, and that's always a sketchy prospect.
Daniel came over and we watched Silent Rage, the Chuck Norris movie and then moved on to Death Game (starring Sandra Locke and Coleen Camp), another of todays finds, on his suggestion.
What looked at the outset like a total sleeper turned into some awesome shit. Unpredictable and totally surprising and satisfying in many many ways.
My review is mostly written and forthcoming.
In the meantime read my review of T & A Academy 2, a bonafide silly borefest: http://www.genrebusters.com/film/review_garbage_tnaacademy2.htm

30 July 2007

Something Tangible

Meat on the other hand is rather oppressive also, but in a more secretive, punishing way. Meat hurts us in a private, soulful way that corrupts the brain and it's power to think. Meat hurts the rational, what we wish to call "civilized" side. Meat makes us what we really are.

Hours Are A Calculated System of Opression

I dont belive in time. That shit is lifestyle opression invented by clocks.

29 July 2007

There Is Wisdom Here

Thanks to the combined efforts of my two best friends, I have realized something new. One of my best strengths (which I knew, but had selectively forgotten) is perseverence. Or in laymans terms, stubborness.
In any case, it makes sense that I should use this strength when a worthy opportunity arises to do so.
Her caution is understandable, and I guess I should respect that, and work with it. Not against it.
Something like that.
I'm tired.

28 July 2007

There Is No Wisdom Here, Only More Questions

What a sack of laughs. A big soggy sack of fucking giggles.
Humor value in this case is as ambiguous and fluid as the bottle that fuels it.

Smells Like

My hands smell like soap, I just washed them. They are clean, and fresh. I like the way they smell now.

My heart hurts because I feel like someone I wanted very much to care for does not feel the same way about me.

I spent the evening with someone else and wasn't as focused as she deserved.

There is a conflicting feeling of failure and suddenness within me. A raw and yet familiar confusion. What confusion isn't familiar.

I feel so remarkable helpless and desperate. So freshly cut open and exposed, yet clean. Hurting, but secure. Like soapy hands.

The shadow of dark possibility remains, but the cleansing, smells good.

27 July 2007

Option 2

OK, so I'll go with the assumption that it's not an avoidance technique, because paranoia won't get me anywhere.
She accidentally made other plans and now I have a free night. There is no reason I can't go see this movie by myself. In fact I think it's a good idea.
I'm asking someone else to go with me.

I find it helpful in moments of frustration when my ego has been hurt, to go out and do something. That's why often times I go to the bar and read by myself.
This time, I'm going to go to the movies with another girl, and not call my usual friends and whine to them and try and get some sympathy or reassurance.
I will try something else, something new.
Option 2.

Suddenly There Is a Change

I don't know what it was. It wasn't much of anything, and it was simultaneously something important. A two sided coin. But is one side inherently the opposite of the other? Is there a grey area? No, they are both elements of one whole, yet they are different facets, different ways of viewing the same object. Different approaches to the same situation.
I dreamt she called me (or more precisely texted me) And then I woke up and had to calm myself down and remind myself that it was just a dream. Twice.
The rest of the day reflected a mood of detatched optimism.

Goddamnit woman, I want you to call me, tell me, give me a chance, trust me. I want to make your eyes sparkle and laugh. I want to hear you sigh and fall asleep next to me.
I want to love hard, and fast and gentle and easy, it's never as easy as it should be.
I hope you feel the same, and I wish I knew if you did, I can't wait to find out.
Fuck, I just can't wait.
Please don't make me wait.
I need to hear your voice.
I need confirmation that I should carry on.

Given a purpose, I can work forever.

25 July 2007


I still don't have any answers for this.
Falling sickness.
A cycle of hate and punishment, and revenge played out across the topography of my mind and body.

I hate this struggle and uncertainty, this unknowing fear. I shouldn't feel this, it's not right, but I know nothing else. I have no other experience with which to compare.
I hate this being alone in a crowd, so near to someone, but forever away, and unspeakably, terrifyingly isolated. I hate most of all my helplessness. All I have is my mind, and me, and myself to scrutinize and analyse and eat and chew apart bit by bit, and yet I'm still, just me.
Helplessness so strong that it destroys the foundation of self suficiency. And I can hear the sound of machine parts sliding smoothly across each-other.

Cold, sterile isolation.

And in the end my desperation drives my salvation further away.
Damn it all. Damn every last bit of it, I want it all too much to ever have it.

24 July 2007

A Present

Opening Moves

I'm not sure what I'm worried about. Nevertheless, upon closer analysis, (something I excell at) there is much meaning to be derived from hyper-scrutiny. How much can I overthink this thing and make myself into a spastic reactionary.
These are the experiences that will turn me into one of those adults who seem so together and composed in the face of calamity.
This is good, it is right. Nothing that's been worth doing has ever been easy for me.
Let go of it, stop trying to hold it so close, guide it, keep it within control.
The process is part of the beauty. Have fun.

22 July 2007


Mercy, cried my mind, restrained behind an iron curtain of self-doubt and awkward self awareness. Struggle, refuse, resist!
When the thing finally happened it was great, and I didn't want it to stop, I felt as if I shouldn't go further, that this was enough. This was somehow sufficient. And so I enjoyed it, and enjoyed it, and had some more. Drank it in, as much as I could, and as silly and out of my skin as I felt, I asked if I might be allowed some more on Friday.

When I don't care, these things are easy, but when I do, they become Herculean.

I shall toil heroically until Friday.

Sir Charles

"I guess I look like a rock quarry that someone has dynamited."

"Acting is the easiest thing I've done, I guess that's why I'm stuck with it."

"Someday I'd like a part where I can lean my elbow against a mantlepiece and have a cocktail."

"I don't look like someone who leans on a mantelpiece with a cocktail in my hand, you know. I look like the kind of guy who has a bottle of beer in my hand."

"Maybe I'm too masculine. Casting directors cast in their own, or an idealized image. Maybe I don't look like anybody's ideal." (1971)

"I am not a fan of myself."

Personal quotes from Charles Bronson. On IMDB

21 July 2007

Well Done

What a prodigy. A veritable hero child. Son of a million martyrs and second to none, miraculous.


20 July 2007

Defiance of Circumstances

I went to bed last night at roughly 2am, after the planned dinner of fish n'chips and hooch at People's. Perfect, I was tired as a political party line.
Nevertheless, I wasn't able to sleep past 8:30 ish, but despite the odds, I rose and fooled around on the net, then exercised for 2 hours and painted for another 3, arriving at the nearly final tattoo design. Less than 3 weeks for that.
Got a welcome call on the phone, then visited work and Vietnamese dinner followed by boozing over a book. Nice nite, the call put me in a warm mood, and I changed tables to accomodate a larger party. After I left the bar it was wierd, a sexy redhead asked me where the Oaxacan restaurant was so I led her and her friends up to it. Wierd conversation, alcohol induced (on my part) no doubt, told her about drawing projects and gentlely corrected her historical questions related to, and after a nod, dissapeared into the crowd. Groceries. I blame it all on the telephone call.
Now, Billie Holliday and wine by myself.

18 July 2007

A Reminder for People Who Enjoy Free Booze

I am going to be arriving back in Seattle tomorrow evening at 8pm ish, and I need to a.) take a shower, and b.) stay up until 1am, followed immediately by c.) sleeping like the (not-zombified) dead. So, I am going to the People's Pub as soon as I am done at home and drinking my ass off at sea-level. I'm offering to buy a drink for anyone who joins me.

On another note, while I have been intermittently posting some of these blogs on MySpace as well, people are leaving all their disparaging comments there and not here. Just to let you know, you do not have to be a member of blogger to leave me a comment, and your comment will be posted as anonymous unless you type in your name. So don't be any more afraid than usual please.

Look forward to hearing from you and seeing you tomorrow. I'll bring my pictures.

17 July 2007

Mein Angebot

I'm getting back Thursday evening, and I have to stay up until midnight or one. I'll be going to People's Pub to drink if anyone wants to join me. Call my cell and leave a message. Or e-mail me. I'll buy a drink fo each person who joins me. See you soon.

15 July 2007


I was reading an interview with a woman in a magazine, and she said;
"I want lots and lots of kids."
I occured to me that this statement could have several meanings. Surely it could be simply that she likes children and wants her own. But that might be a little to simple, too easy an answer, and one that is good in theory only. (like the puppy vs. adult dog thing, i.e. they're only fun when they're cute)
The possible second, more subtle answer however is something else. My theory is that because the readership of the magazine is primarily men, and it is implied or stated that the woman is single, what she may be really saying is;
"I like to fuck."

I don't think there's anything wrong with this, and please don't think that I'm trying to be sexist. It just seems to me that I want lots of kids is the sort of thing you wouldn't say in that context unless you are trying to insenuate something else.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe not.

14 July 2007

The Difference

I remember what I was doing in the first picture. But the reason for, and recipient of the hertfelt mono-flanged salute in the second picture are lost to me now.

Good Job

Now that's what I'm talking about. Getting shitty drunk in some bar and walking the streets drinking vodka. Eating a fucking nasty anchovy pizza and drinking some whisky and speaking horrible German all the while. These people would let you die in the street, while simultaneously complimenting your crude butchery of their language. No, not really, they're great, they wouldn't let me pay for the beers anyway. I would say the Ja(e)germeister was a bad idea, but that actually came first. The shitty vodka straight from the bottle was a bad (tasting) idea.
It hardly matters now.

13 July 2007


Blog Post - "Well It's Rather Clouded..."
Section 2, subsection a.
"...because of their beauty and intelligence either unattainable or taken"
This section reflects poorly in regards to both my female friends who are single, and yet undeniably beautiful and unquestionably intelligent, and in regards to previously mentioned female Seattle subject A. In addition it has no basis in fact nor does it cite sources.

Section 2, subsection b.
Concerning sentences one and two which read presently;
"In all honesty I can say I would abstain. And similarly, I can say that I would crumble at the slightest provocation."
These sentences cancel each other out and give the impression of spineless opportunism. This section, or at least the second sentence should be stricken from the document completely.

12 July 2007

Well, It's Rather Clouded...

I'll rescind what I stated earlier about European women, specifiacally German women, and restate that they are, according to my subjective judgement, equally attractive as compared to American women. As I said, this is entirely subjective, and by no means universally aplicable.
If I spoke fluent German this figure might very well change.
Several people asked me before I left the States, if I intended to stay "faithful" while in Germany.
I was even asked at one point, if I intended to "fuck any Eurosluts".
The question of faithfulness stems I believe from two different sources, which I will address here.
1.)I met a very cool girl shortly before I left, whom I think is, in short, very cool, smart, and most assuredly beautiful, so the question therin is: even though I am not in an established, or even implied relationship with said woman, would I, based on my deep interest, refrain from sexual intercourse with aforementioned sexually promiscuous women of European residence for this reason.
1.a) Yes

2. It had been established at some point to those of my friends whom were posessed of the introspective nature to inquire as to my proposed living quarters during the duration of my stay in Berlin, where, and how would I be procuring rest and recouperation facilities. The answer to the best of my knowledge until the time of my arrival was; "With two German college girls."
This response in most cases garnered a reproachful response of either knowing laughter or semi-encouraging claps on the back.
2.a) Greta and Fabienne are both attractive women, the later in particular is, how shall I say, stacked like a game of Jenga. Both are in fact serious students of art here in Berlin universities, and I am sure because of their beauty and intelligence (as I generally assume of all women posessed of similar qualities) unnatainable and/or taken.
2.b) Yes. In all honesty I can say I would abstain. And similarly, I can say that I would crumble at the slightest provocation. The reality is subjective, and presently abstinent. For this I am for the most part grateful. I have been looking upon the potential of Berlin with a great deal of linguistically incompetent remorse, and enthusiasm for a return to my home base.
And, despite what I hope to be unnecesary and unfortunate skepticism/realism, thinking of "she" in Seattle somewhat, not without a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart.

3.) I remain exclusively observant.

11 July 2007

Claiming Ground

Just this month I believe, down in the Sony Center at Potsdamer Platz in central (Mitte) Berlin, a special place known for it's geometrically interlocking, brightly colored interchangeable parts and friendly yellow faces, opened to the public.

While this special land is meant for children, being the big softie that I am, I had to go because it would probably be my only chance, if not ever, for a long time. And because as a child it had been my greatest dream, at least while I stared longingly at the catalog, to go there.

So, there I went, full of hope, suspicion and smiles, to that magical land of clickably conecting bricks.

If you havent guessed by now, I went to LEGOLAND!

Fuck yeaha!

Dude, that shit was tight, it cost me nearly 20 bucks but it was worth it, if a little tired and silly, but hey, It's geared toward a much younger age group, so I digress. (Think Chuck-E-Cheese built from Lego.) In any case, I checked it out to the fullest, there was a dragon/castle ride, and a mini-lego world which was actually Berlin landmarks constructed from Lego. Also of course there was a shop in which you could blow your load. I refrained, even though there was a great deal of Lego Star Wars literally screaming my name. Oh, and of course a play land (mostly not Lego) where the kiddies (or Kinder) could get their jollies and shriek out their sugar buzzes. Ahhhh.

So theres another one for the books. Legoland Berlin, I got my comemorative lego brick with the printed logo, and some pictures, including this one of me claiming Lego Brandenburger Tor (Brandenburg Gate) for Westside.

10 July 2007


More Maya

Our Lord the Flayed One

Xipe Totec was an Aztec god, the god of death and rebirth as well as agriculture. Ol' Xipe was worshiped, or rather tribute was payed by the flaying (skinning, usually alive) of captive slaves or enemies, and the wearing of the flayed skins until the skin rotted off, thus symbolising the maize plant emerging from the husk of the kernel etc. blah blah. On my return to the Ethnologisches museum, I took several pictures of the head of a stone figure depicting a Xipe Totec priest or devotee that they have on display there.
In this picture, you can see the wearers mouth inside the skin mouth opening, as well as the skin tied at the back of the head.
I wish I could make a scratch and sniff sticker of the smell in the Mesoamerican wing of the Ethnologishes Museum. It smelled like old wet stones, and when you enter between two rows of massive Mayan stellae you, or anyway, I was, just breathless, except I kept smelling the rocks.

09 July 2007

Push Up the Glasses

Taking a picture of "The Book of the Dead" (one of many according to the accompanying text.) Later, writing a postcard to a friend at the Mexican restaurant.

The New Checkpoint

"Checkpoint Charlie" is the name of the checkpoint where people used to go from west to east Berlin and vice-versa. Now it's one of the biggest tourist spots in the city because it happens to be in the downtown shopping district. It costs 15-18$ to see the "Checkpoint Charlie Museum". (I declined) There was a Mexican restaurant across the street with a cute Cuban waitress and some decent food. Anyway, not far off is the US Embasy. (A new one is under construction) The street is completely blocked off by concrete barricades and uniformed military guards. Try getting through that checkpoint. From protectors of protectors of western freedom to paranoid cornered dogs. Sad.

For the Fallen

Monument/Memorial to fallen soldiers of the Red Army.

Son of the Son

A damaged bust of Akhenaten IV, AKA "Son of the Son".
The damage to the face reminded me of a zombie so much that I forgot to turn off the flash on the camera and got in trouble with the guard.
"Aber mit kein flash bitte!"
I appologized and he watched me for a while. There was more SoS stuff which I doccumented, but these images are so big I don't want to put too many on here. In any case, there was a large number of written documents from between 1200 B.C. (a guesstimate) and 500 B.C, anyway, from the end of the truly Egyptian period, through the Helenic period into the roman period, and it was interesting to see the evolution of Egyptian heiroglyphic text into later writing including Greek.

08 July 2007

Deutsches Bier

Drinking beer with (oldish) Germans. Afterwards ate the best Indian food I have ever had in my life, half a block from the apartment. Tomorrow, the Egyptian collection at the Altes Museum, and the memorial to fallen Soviet soldiers of WWII. Sounds like a geekfest. It is 1:26am here.


This stone lion in the Pergamon Museum was carved sometime around 15oo BC as I recall... The second picture is the Pergamon itself a temple which at the top of those stairs, houses a 200' x 5' (roughly) stone frieze of various mythological happenings. The Museum was built especially to house the ancient Greek edifice from which it gets it's name. There was a hell of a lot more old shit in there too. It took several hours.
Observation: As we got closer to the downtown area (Unter den Linden and the Brandeburger Tur) there were a hell of a lot more tourists, and I began to feel more comfortable. Comfortable amongst foreigners. At least less conspicuous. The women that I have seen here are attractive, but they all look "european" (?). Yes, I've been looking. Without getting too explicit, American women are hotter. So far.

Talking Head

"Still" from a 8' tall video that was playing in the Pergamon Museum, Berlin. Both moths were talking individually and concurrently in a loop, switching smoothly from Russian to German all the while.

07 July 2007

Ethnologische Museum

I must have slept for at least 10 hours, but I laid awake several times during the night. Today the big event was the Ethnologische Museum, or Museum of Ethnology. The reason? Bestest collection of Mesoamerican artifacts in Germany (maybe Europe). In fact, the first room of the museum was entirely Aztec and Maya artifacts. Giant stones carved into stylized snakes, eagles, all kinds of crazy shit. Some big pieces of stone and stucco facades, delicate earthenware pottery painted with delicate pictures and heiroglyphs. There was lot's more, Chinese, Japanese, Indian (dots and feathers) and European art. The cool thing is that you were allowed to take pictures, which I did, and following the curse of the digital tourist, proceeded to erase.
The U and S Bahn is really easy to use though, so, before I leave I'm going to go back and do it all again.
Tonight at 12 there is a party we're going to?...
In all a good day without visual aids. Tonight perhaps... Please hold for photographic evidence.

06 July 2007


I've been here for all of one hour. I think I slept a total of 4 or 5 hours in the last 24 and I would like to eat something that's not wrapped in plastic. From a taxi Berlin looks like, a big city. Any other observations I may have made on the way to this apartment have been lost. This webpage is in German. So is my brain, but it's slow and often doesn't make sense.

04 July 2007

I'm Headed Out

Alright, so, not quite yet, but soon. I have some BBQ to eat and some beer to drink first.

Tomorrow morning "Ich fliege nach Berlin", and I'll be one cramped dude on a plane for 20 hours.

So, I guess, check it out if you have the time, take care of yourselves, and don't be afraid to write while I'm gone, and request pictures of me doing lewd shit in Germany. It might be fun to get arrested by the Polizei.

02 July 2007


The last version of this design before I arrived at the FINAL which became a tattoo.

Aww Jeeze, Not Again

Fuck, this is such a pitfall. It's a pointlessly repetitive exercise in humiliating helplessness. I can't bear to be by myself at moments like these, bright summer nights with no-one. I have no excuse save needy selfish narcisism.

Ok, I don't think that's true, but I have such a feeling of powerlessness and distance.

I wanted to curse the skies for simple misfortune a few short hours ago, and now I want to blot it out and drown it out and go to sleep in tears.

What a ridiculous mess of mangled emotion that I don't understand.
For a reasonable reason, I didn't get to hang out with the girl today, and that means it'll be 2 and a half weeks before I get to see her again, and right now I feel like that is simply not fair and sucks.

I think she likes me too, and that makes it that much harder.

I have to be patient.

It's at moments like these when I almost wish I was a man of faith.

I really don't like this skin-crawling, hollow-belly depressed nervousness. It feels like an empty summer night.

01 July 2007

Wee Small Hours

Oh that's just too much bullshit. But hell, I like the song.
Starting to scramble over last minute stuff. I think I should make a payment on my student loan this month(i've been on deferment for 6 months because I've been back in school.)
Bookclub has felt ever increasingly like a waste of time to me. Not because I don't want to talk about the book, I do, but because it's just a shouting match. Some would like to blame the noisiness of the bar, I disagree. While that may play a part, I thik the primary cause is egotism. People want to be right, to have gotten the right thing out of the book, to have understood some fundamental truth that no-one else got, or saw. I fall for that too. But I hate shouting and trying to be heard above it all. To be honest, those girls like to yell. They like to dominate the conversation and stifle all opposition. I hate getting cut off. So I won't even begin.
Girls, girls, girls. You're so fun. And so much trouble. That's part of the fun I suppose.
In anycase I'm off to bed, a book, and a dream or two. I failed to call my parents, and Regis today, so I'm batting 100. Tomorrow brings new possibilities, on all fronts.
Check out this amusing review I wrote: http://www.genrebusters.com/film/review_garbage_assassination.htm

Do Not

Do not wonder or consider, or second guess. Step into it with all guns blazing, maximum pucker factor, boonie-rat,all-night-LP madness. Live in the moment and love it.