Showing posts with label First attempts at futility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label First attempts at futility. Show all posts

15 June 2008


It's over.

I usually take one big trip per year, which means I have to take a couple of weeks off of work. This year it winds up that I leave on the last of my natural days off, so I have three days off before I leave.

I've been having so much fun not doing anything serious that it might be difficult to try and be serious in the next couple of days.

I'm taking a book called Historical Materialism with me to mexico. I figure it'll be good to read about Marxist Socialism while I'm visiting some of Mexicos most popular tourist sites.

I might go to a birthday thing for a pretty girl tomorrow. She's the friend of one of my coworkers. She's got lots of tattoos and is kindof wild. I like that, I've never really tried it, but I doubt it will happen. I suspect I'll end up drawing or something, they won't call me. One of my best friends is in love now and so I don't get to hang out with him anymore. Honestly, I'm glad he's got something going on, I've got whatever thing I have to deal with.

A satisfied emptiness.

06 April 2008

He Sure Could Yell

I think the images we chose to represent ourselves are certainly telling. As children we really don't have any choice, or rather, little concern with how we are percieved by others.
I remember going to a birthday party for the 1 year old son of my parents friends, and at the time I was perhaps 8 or 9. Captured on film, the event some 5 years later caused some embarassment on my part. "Shrieking mulleted boy-harpy" is my immediate asessment.

What I'm getting at I guess is that, in time we come to worry about our appearance, and conduct in public, or at the very least when in anyone elses company.
A short aside; I reserve alone time for behaving in grotesque unhinged idiocy.
Our culture, and this is the culturally "sunburned" part of me speaking here, we're trained to judge our self worth on what other peoples judgements and assesssments of us are. If this were not the case, would there be such a magnificently huge market for cosmetic products and fashion? I thought not. In the long run I guess, I guess it's less a question of why we let other peoples judgements affect who we are, as why we let those judgments affect how we judge ourselves. The first question is really predicate on the second.

It is culture, and frankly, without the interest in laying it out in this forum under these circumstances (and without the "hard" evidence at hand) I'll say this; It is not a healthy culture which critically judges peoples strengths and weaknesses based on economic (or otherwise exploitable) value. (I think many women will attest to the fact that value in other peoples eyes is not always based on economics)

Thus, in adulthood, we are able to chose, and craft how we are represented publicly, both photographically (our preserved, or historical self), in the pictures and stories we chose to share with others, and the way we pose in the photos, and in reality; that is the persona, or act that we take on to create a certain preferred image of ourself. Our public persona.

I saw a play tonight that was pretty good. I think that I could say that it was brilliant because it meant a lot, but no, it was just OK. The thing is, it was incredibly passionate and moving despite it's flaws. It was one of those art events that, as an adult, makes me think, "I could be a better person, I could be more selfless." until I realize that I've thought that before, it hasn't happened and I let myself sink back into my encapsulated consumer catatonia.
Somehow there is something different this time. It wasn't that moment of "I could...", it wasn't the niceties of self effacing excuses, no, the difference is me.

There is something here I haven't seen before, a me that's enjoying myself more.

You are a funny little boy, but I have no doubt that you will learn to become a man.

04 March 2008

A Combination of Unrelated Adult Events

In class my group partners were as usual pretty scattered and I felt like I had to get their attention. Tomorrow is going to be a farce.
That woman was out of town on an emergency visit of some kind, so I had time to take care of homework.

I went to the doctor and recieved the results of my blood test which was very good. Apparently I have a very low midichlorian count.

The doctor, a woman of no more than 45 years spoke to me about alcohol and drug use, saying that I was a heavy user. Hell I answered honestly, I guess she thinks I drink a lot. Told me that even though it doesn't really affect some peoples health so much, it can change who you are.

Or maybe, have an effect on who you are, I guess they're about the same.

Psychologically, right.

Somebody who's got all their shit together might still be pretty fucked up.

I think it's a little bit more tolerable, but also a lot more lonely to be sober depressed.
Drunk depressed is much harder to take, more intense, but you feel warmer.

I think I have the thinking part down, but I can't get the feeling part. I think it was the opposite before, and that it will be opposite in the future.

25 June 2007

Yeah Sure

What a grandiose title, and I'm sure that something really significant will come of it. Way to set yourself up for stupidity. Asshole. Ha ha, I love self deprication. it makes me less arrogant. Arrogance is unnatractive. Alcoholism is also unnatractive. So is stupidity and high expectations. No, high expectations aren't stupid, just weak.
He knows he aint loved at all.
OK, try this: